you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
