Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
