Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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