How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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