What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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