To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
