...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
