I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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