She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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