I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
