I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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