Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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