I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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