so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
