remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
