I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
