gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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