saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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