38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
