my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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