When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
