Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
