Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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