My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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