So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
