I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize