glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
