i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
