I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
