you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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