can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"