I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock