if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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