Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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