That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
