Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize
