Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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