My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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