So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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