Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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