Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
