Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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