I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
