The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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