Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
