I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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