Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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