hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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