Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
