No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
