A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
