onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
my liver is dry heaving
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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