I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
