We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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