just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Randomize
