I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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