...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
