I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
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You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
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She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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