The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
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WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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