so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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