____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
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you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
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We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
whose parrot is this?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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